LA Day Uno

Ipon arriving in LA, Gin and Swanic made their way to the house of Industry. After hurried geetings and a dinner of Sushi (hosted by a waiter who clearly intended to steal Industry's newly acquired iPhone), the three headed out to experience the famous LA night life. At the first bar, a quaint little place named Renees, they experienced an unprecedented scene of patriotism. After Michael Phelps final race of the Olympics (you may have heard of it, he set some kind of record or something), the entire place broke into a chant of "USA! USA!" Looking at each other in horror, Swanic commented "I've never heard anything like this before" while Gin asked "Didn't they stop doing this in the 80's?" Fearing the crazed masses, they fled with Industry to another bar. Everything was going swimmingly until, moments after being told that they were welcome to stay, the three thirsty patrons were informed that they REALLY needed to evacuate the patio immediately, no procrastinating allowed. Sadened by the abrubt end to their evening, they headed home to bed.
The next day, Industry promised them a first rate LA experience.The first stop was the Disney Studios lot where Industry has his office. Using an impressive name drop, Industry got them through security and they headed inside to play Producer. After engaging in a variety of mature activities, such as twirling around in a desk chair and playing with the phone headset, they raided the office refrigerator. Upon seeing the options available, Industry growled "These fucking interns really need to do a better job." Life as Industry is by no means easy. Making their selections, they jumped back into the Audi and made their way to the beach for an afternoon of sun and sand-filled relaxation.

Success!

Gin and Swanic made it to Monterey California after leaving LA. They are currently in San Francisco and will be dropping a major blog post soon.....

karaoke

Random karaoke singer: this is for my dad. Because he never knew how to communicate his feelings to me, and because he loved boxing

-justine.

notable and quotable

Gin to random Irish man at an LA pub: "Do you want to come with us? We're going places."

The Last Mile

Below is a transcript of what transpired over the last mile of Gin and Swanic's last mile of their journey from El Paso to LA:

Swanic: Okay we're going right off the exit here.

Gin: Right?

Swanic: Yes.

Gin: Right???

Swanic: Yes...Left....Sorry.

Gin: Oh my god you're killing me right now.

Swanic: Okay it's coming up really soon on our right.

Gin: Right?

April: Approaching left hand turn.

Swanic: Left.

Gin: Ug.

Swanic: Okay the turn is coming up really soon on our Left.

Gin: I'm just going to assume that it's at that light up there, sound good?

Swanic: Okay...Unless it's that turn there.(As they pass Camelina Ave)

Gin: NO, April would ding!

April: Ding

Swanic: I think she dang.

April: Recalculating route.

Gin: WHAT!?!?!?!? Jesus Swanic, PAY ATTENTION!

Swanic: I was!

Gin: NO you weren't, I am just going to go right here! (Getting into right turn lane at three lane stop light.)

April: Make Left hand turn now!

Gin: JESUS!(light turns green, Olivia begins to turn.)

April: Recalculation route!

Olivia: GRGRGRGRGRGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Right hand turn not her strong suit.)

Gin: I have to pee SO bad!!!!!!!

April: Approaching right hand turn....Ding.

Swanic: I'll call Industry....Hey, Industry, we're right around the corner and Gin's gotta pee real bad!

April: Right hand turn now. Ding.

Gin: Where is it, is it this one?

Swanic: I don't know just go...go!

April: Left hand turn now! Ding. You have arrived at Carmelina Avenue!

FINALLY

Approximately 6,524 hours after they entered the desert, Gin and Swanic have finally arrived in LA. The temperature has dropped to a reasonable 75 degrees, and after showering, our intrepid due no longer feels like killing each other or themselves. Industry is all ready to take them out on the town, and they are sure that their first evening in LA will be nothing short of epic.
Gin

I'm gonna be a star daddy!

Gin and Swanic have arrived in Gin's new home state of California! They are 200 miles from LA and very excited to reach their destination for the next two nights! They will be staying with their old friend Industry at his swank LA bachelor pad!
California has already lived up to its dream-fulfilling reputation as Gin and Swanic have already seen a major celebrity! None other than Danny DeVito was spotted by our celebrity savvy duo! They weren't sure why he was riding in the back of a Ford pickup truck in a car seat holding a bottle, perhaps researching a role, but it was unmistakably him. With that introduction to that state Gin and Swanic are expecting good things from the final miles of their journey!

Swanic

108 degrees

And getting hotter.

Arizona

Gin and Swanic blew through New Mexico in record time, admiring the stunning vistas and moderate temperatures along the way. As they entered Arizona their feelings of hope began to wane. As they approached Tucson, the construction began and the speed limit lowered to a sad 55. As they drove through Tucson, Gin's only comment was "I find nothing appealing about this place." Swanic, ever the optimist, said "At least now if a job ever tries to relocate me to Tucson I know to tell them to fuck off." Leaving Tucson, they made their way to a gas station. Noting the 100 degree heat, Gin sent Swanic inside first in the hopes that her shirt would dry out before she had to go in herself. It did. Now back on the road, the two travelers have fully converted to the air conditioning as temperatures rise to 104 and beyond. Swanic has taken over the driving so Gin can combat her noticeable driving tan, and the car flies along as they work to reach LA by nightfall.

Rattle Snacks and Prostitutes

Gin and Swanic are back on the road after departing El Paso, known last night as Swanic's favorite place. That was until this morning when he felt the full effects of last night's authentic Mexican dinner. After proclaiming that he felt like he had been fisted by a red hot chile pepper, and he didn't mean Anthony Kedis, he spent the majority of the morning in the bathroom. After their gastrointestinal delay and a delicious continental breakfast the headed out. Dodging falling space lab debris as they trucked down I-10 they stopped for gas, as instructed by approximately 37 billboards, at "Old West". Walking inside this seemingly quaint interstate-side shop the team stood dumbfounded as they came face to face with perhaps the largest porcelain collection this side of the pacific! Also sold were t-shirts, Mexican jumping beans and some sort of jerky dubbed "rattle snacks" which Swanic briefly entertained eating until a loud gargle of protest emitting from his stomach reminded him of the permanent damage done to his system last night that will forever change his eating habits. A word of advice: when a Mexican waitress, at a Mexican bar 2 miles from Mexico warns you that something you've ordered is HOT, heed her warning. Moving on Gin had to make her 463rd bathroom stop of the trip. Pulling up to the rest area Swanic queried aloud as to which would be worse; his impending exprience in the desolate roadside restroom predominantly utilised by long haul truckers named Buck and Slugger, or Gin's, used by the prostitutes that service said truckers. Suddenly the sign in front of them warning patrons to keep an eye out for rattle snakes didn't seem so scary. Gin went first, bravely entering the bathroom. "This isn't so bad." she thought. She entered the stall and did her business which is when it got interesting. Upon flushing the toilet Gin was soaked by a deluge of toilet water! In a fit of panic she turned only to find that she was locked in the stall! Trapped, soaking wet and alone Gin managed to jimmy the door open using her years of exprience managing an apartment building. Relieved by her regained feedom she stepped up to the sink and smiled at a middle aged woman to her right. It wasn't until Gin noticed the syringe in her hand that she thought better of engaging her in standard lavatory banter. Gin returned to the car and refused to speak of her exprience until Swanic had gone. Swanic's experince was thankfully less eventful, although the he did have to use the little boy's urinal which stood at most 3 inches from the floor as all others were occupied. At 6'3" the fact that Swanic didn't flood the washroom with urine was no small miracle. Now cruising down the road listening to Fleetwoodmac to soothe their rattled nerves Gin and Swanic are Los Angeles bound!

Swanic

Tap

As they walked by the front desk of the Holiday Inn Express - Downtown El Paso, Gin and Swanic stopped to ask the desk clerk for directions to the best Mexican restaurant El Paso has to offer. Alas, they were informed by the clerk that all restaurants, with the exception of the steak house and pizza parlors, close at 9 PM. Swanic looked on sadly while Gin whined, "But we're downtown! I don't understand what's happening in El Paso!" Her obvious distressed spurred everyone into action, and within moments every visible staff member was deep in discussion about where the two weary, hungry travelers could go for some food. Soon a consensus was reached, and the clerk suggested that Gin and Swanic head to Tap, a "historic" bar near the hotel. The clerk then insisted that Gin and Swanic take the free hotel shuttle so as to avoid becoming lost in this strange city. They agreed, and the clerk found the shuttle driver. Not being fluent in English, she asked that the clerk come along to translate. Another random stranger was also recruited for the journey, and the five piled into the Holiday Inn Express van to head to the bar.

Upon arriving at Tap, the clerk requested that Gin and Swanic check it out and make sure it was okay before the van left. Immediately upon exiting the van they were approached by a number of helpful locals, all of whom insisted that the bar was the place to be and assured Gin that she could find vegetarian fare inside. Our brave duo nodded to their Holiday Inn posse, and within seconds were seated at a comfortable booth in the bar. A waitress immediately took their drink order, while another waitress, who had apparently been warned of Gin's veggie tendencies, came over with a menu and pointed to the obvious vegetarian choice: nachos. Gin and Swanic ordered their meals and settled in to watch the Olympics and observe the local culture. A number of fascinating locals were moving throughout the bar, most notably a woman (although Swanic hypothesized that she may not have always been a woman) wearing a pink bikini top and matching mini sarong, both covered in tiny bells that rang with every step. Gin and Swanic agreed that Tap is their favorite place ever. After a questionable man asked about her husband, Gin stealthily switched her rings around to carry on the impression of marriage. The food arrived, and the two gorged themselves on cheese and beans. Swanic asked Gin if she had any cash for a tip. Gin then shouted, "I have tons of cash! But only in large bills!" Swanic looked on in horror as Gin glanced around the bar to see if anyone had noticed her amateur tourist mistake. They would have to be on the lookout from now on.

Finishing their meal, and observing a couples fight building up outside, Gin and Swanic decided it was time to leave. They called the Holiday Inn, and the clerk assured them that their ride would arrive shortly. Indeed, within 7 minutes the Holiday Inn van returned, as did all of the original passengers! On the ride back to the hotel, the clerk attentively asked if they enjoyed their time. They did, sir. They did.

Gin

Almost Mexico

Gin and Swanic have FINALLY arrived in El Paso and have settled for the evening. Dreams of walking into Mexico were dashed when the duo realized that they don't have passports and, ultimately, can't figure out where to go. They could see Mexico, they could smell Mexico, but they just couldn't find that bridge. Instead, Gin and Swanic headed out for a night on the town to try some of El Paso's authentic Mexican food, hopefully in a location that seems very Mexican, thus imitating the Mexican experience that they have lost. Surely, tequila will be involved.
Gin

April and Olivia act out vol. II

While stopping for gas and a stretch Gin and Swanic noticed that upon making right hand turns Olivia was making a deafening grinding sound. On closer inspection they realized that the culprit was similar to the issue Olivia had had earlier in the day. This side seemed to be due to some missing screws and Gin and Swanic decided to not remove the section because it was only an issue on sharp right turns. Really how many right turns can there be between Texas and California? In getting back on the road April started mouthing off in her usual form. Like a father giving in to an attention seeking toddler throwing a tantrum Swanic picked her up. He found that she was in fact attempting to make random phone calls. These bitches are itching to California, as are Gin and Swanic.

hot hot hot....

101 degrees and counting!

Scream if you wanna go faster!

After a brief interruption in communication capability Gin and Swanic are back online! Driving through west Texas is about as fun as expected. Soon after passing san Antonio the speed "limit" turned to 80 miles per hour! Gin slammed her foot on the accelerator and hasn't let up since. Stopping in Junction TX, Gin and Swanic bought lunch fixingz at the local "food basket" which boasted on it's outdoor marquee "73% lean beef". Gin has resorted to placing cheese sticks on a tortilla, smothering it in mustard and calling it a sandwich. Soon after returning to their new home (the open road) they heard a grinding and slapping sound coming from the right front wheel well! Bravely and without a thought of his own safety Swanic stuck his head out the window to investigate. He found that part of the mud flap had come loose and was now flopping about in the breeze. They pulled over and performed minor surgery on the Matrix using Swanic's newly acquired Swiss Army knife. Swanic also took this opportunity to relieve himself on the side of the road. As he did he noticed the shadows of vultures circling above! He hueredly finished his business and got back in the car. Now nothing lays between our heroes and El Paso but the blazing sun and 350 miles of asphalt.

Swanic

10 Hours of Texas.

Gin and Swanic are making their way across Texas today. After 10 hours of driving they plan to arrive in El Paso, Texas. That's right, 10 hours and they will still be in Texas. They still marvel at the fact that people choose to live here. At 8am it was a humid 90 degrees! The temperature has been on the rise ever since and the duo is now beginning to think their plan of not using the airconditioning was flawed. Flying down the highway, faced with such choice billboards as "Abortions Stop a Beating Heart" and the like they are determined to make this state go by a quickly as possible. On an exciting note, our heroes have decided to make the most of their El Paso sojourn and take this trip international! Ever the adventurers this evening they plan to walk into ol'Mexico!

Swanic

Houston, Baby

At the end of a long, grueling drive, Gin and Swanic arrived with much fanfare in the lovely city of Houston. They had been driving with the windows down, as they refuse to use the air conditioning in order to save money on fuel. However, as they entered Texas, temperatures rose into the 90s, and even open windows couldn't prevent the Matrix from slowly transforming into a sauna. At one stop, Gin noted with delight the sweat that had seeped from her shirt into the car seat. While Swanic managed the soundtrack, Gin drove through the blinding Texas heat, but as the sun burned hotter Gin became more crotchety, and not even Swanic's expert DJing could prevent her inevitable outburst of "I don't want to listen to this. WHERE'S MY FUCKING IPOD!??!" As they neared Houston, Swanic called Piano Man to inform him of their imminent arrival. Pulling up to the house, the two raced into the air conditioning.

After a lovely dinner, Piano Man took Gin and Swanic out on the town to experience some of Houston's local gay culture. The first stop was Guava Land, featuring numerous red bull vodkas and the chords of karaoke. Gin and Swanic jumped right in, drinking cheap vodka and making new friends. After a few (too many) drinks, the three headed to The Mining Company, an upscale place that was described by Piano Man as "A Levi Leather Cruise Bar." Although terrified of the bathrooms and the scenes that assuredly take place there, Gin and Swanic were ready and willing to try anything. After a few more drinks the dancing began, and eventually Gin found an outside patio where she befriended a lonely, large gay man, offering sage love advice and support for his quest to find a companion. Alas, the 2 AM closing time cut this party short. Fortunately, the house had a hot tub, so they headed back and jumped in for a few more beers and some secret-sharing. Way too late, the three headed to bed to rest up for the following day.

The next morning, Piano Man hauled Gin and Swanic out of bed around noon so that the whole crew could go off in search of food. Swanic was fresh-faced, but Gin was feeling the effects of an overdose of very cheap vodka. After a leisurely lunch of the worst Thai food ever prepared in the history of the world, Gin returned to the house for a nap while Swanic and Piano Man ran errands. As evening approached, Gin got up and the three went to the park for a run/walk (Gin tried to run but her persistent headache held her back). Finished their run, Swanic and Piano Man got in the car and drove off to find Gin, who was still making her way around the trail. Pulling up to the curb, they cried "Hurry up get in! We're going to be late for yoga." Gin breathed a sigh of relief. The three then headed to the local gym where Swanic and Piano Man participated in a grueling yoga class. Gin waited in the lobby, reading Cosmo and chatting with the surprisingly friendly employees, who offered up witty observations about the weather and tips about learning to surf. (Don't judge Gin. She has never practiced yoga before and did not want to start in an advanced class on this particular day). At dinner, everyone else ordered fancy drinks and sensible BBQ dishes, while Gin ordered 4 appetizers. Watching the Olympics, the group stayed until the restaurant kicked them out. Our intrepid adventurers then headed to bed early to prepared for the next days drive to El Paso and beyond.

Gin

Sticky and Sweet

Gin and Swanic have entered Texas. Due to the unimaginable heat Gin has been hitting the Diet Coke hard. In a moment of thirst she asked Swanic to retrieve her drink of choice from behind her seat. Swanic reached back and grabbed the bag containing the beverage noting the large amount of condensation in the sac. As he brought the bag to the front seat he realized the moisture was not due to condensation but rather a faulty cap on the bottle which had leaked half the sweet nectar into the bag which was now dumping all over the travelers mobile cammand unit electronics and Swanic himself! Throwing the bag to the floor he surveyed the damage as Gin tried not to laugh. In trying to air out items that had been soaked Swanic splashed additional liquid all over himself which proved to be too much for Gin who now laughed openly at her co-pilots expense.
Our dynamic duo is now questioning whether or not to trade the Matrix in for a Ford F-250 with a praise jesus bumper sticker as this seems to be the preferred mode of transportation for this section of the country.
Swanic

Baton Rouge is the SHIT!

Moments after Gin and Swanic's last post they pulled off in Baton Rouge at a Mobile for gas, a drink and to relieve themselves. Gin stayed with the Matrix first while Swanic went to use the facilities. He ask the station attendant where the bathroom was. "take the key with the white string baby." trying to ignore the feeling of discomfort caused by being called baby by a 90 woman, Swanic headed to the outside bathroom. As he reached the key to the door he noticed it was ajar. He opened the door cautiously, partly fearing, partly hoping to find a highway-side orgy in full swing. Alas he was only met with a stench papramount to death and fecal matter left in the sun next to a jar of mayonnaise made with rotten eggs. He took a deep breath of fresh air and ducked in stepping straight up to the urinal. Only after commencing did he regard his surroundings. A clogged toilet overflowing with unpleasantness sat to his left. Crude drawings lined the walls, and the very urinal he was using had apparently never been flushed! Swanic's air was running thin and he began to plan which direction he should shift his weight should he faint; where should I fall that would cause the least impact and ensure that I would not be blamed for the state of this bathroom? At last he could stand it no more and bolted from the bathroom barely managing to button is sensible khaki shorts.

Swanic

Batten Down The Hatches!

Hurricane Gin and Swanic is heading West through Louisiana! Weather experts predict that this.Northeastern front will hit Houston Texas later today and will settle in until Friday morning. Be advised, this storm is fierce. Should you hear thundering Kylie or Miley, notice sudden downpoors of vodka tonics or experience power loss due to the power sucking capability of the storm's mobile command unit stay indoors until local authorities give the all clear!

Missississississippi

Hin and Swanic cruised through the night on their way to Hattiesburg MS. Stopping at an Exxon for petrol the decided to have a bite to eat. The Exxon divided two options for grub: Subway or The Huddle House. Swanic opted for the latter. After using the facilities Gin came out to find Swanic waiting for her. "I thought you were going to the Huddle Hut." To which Swanic responded "I thought it best to wait for my beard." Gin graciously went in with Swanic. They peeled a laminated menu from the counter. Swanic was saddened to realize that though the menu was thick and large it only boasted 5 options all of which were either deep fried or smothered in cramy sauce. The duo made their way to Subway. The restaurant's old slogan "Eat Fresh" had no relevance in this franchise as the meat was tucked behind grease stained plexi glass which only served to contain the flies that buzzed around the pre-portioned discolored beef and chicken. A red haired toothless wonder of a sandwich artiste took their orders. Both of our heroes went with sensible vegetarian subs. Over their foot longs Swanic shared a memory of Skiing with Gin in their youth. On this particular day Swanic had managed to forget his skis. Swanic confessed that he opted not to rent skis because, being a plus size child, he was too embarrased to write his weight on the rental form. Gin did not judge him, she didn't laugh or even snicker, instead she cast him a look of pure understanding and said the most comforting thing Swanic had ever heard: "When I was little I was too fat to ride the pony."
They got back on the road and found their hotel despite the most intense lighting and rain storm the likes of which these Yankees had never been exposed. They got their keys and tried the door. True to form for the last hotel the swipe of the electronic card only yielded a blinking yellow light, not the tell tale click of an unlocking door they both expected. Gin went and got new keys, neither of which worked either. Gin shared her concern that she thought a blinking yellow light meant the door was dead bolted. Swanic dismissed this and headed for the office. He spoke with the clerk who have him new keys and said he would send security to help. As swanic rounded the corner Gin took a picture of Chakkah II. Just after she did this the light in the room snapped on! Someone was in their room! Gin worried that these poor vacationers were probably thinking that the people trying to get into their room were murderers and were probably calling the police or loading their gun! Swanic decided to go back to the clerk. In doing so he realized that there was an interior entrance to the room. It dawned on him that perhaps the security guard had come in from this side and turned on the light. Swanic entered the hall and found their room, he slid the card in and heard the beautiful click of the door opening! He opened the other door to find Gin with a look of shock upon her face ready to apologize to whoever was within. Relieved the two settled into bed for a good nights sleep.

Swanic

Salsalitas

Gin and Swanic agreed that, before hitting the hard road to Houston, they needed something to cure their hunger. Gin had dreams of a place that prepared dishes with tofu, hummus, and local organic greens. However, Pigeon Forge was not prepared to offer this type of fare. Instead, there were Shoneys, Denny's, Cracker Barrel, Waffle House, and Taco Bell as far as the eye could see, but the much anticipated Dolly's Natural Cooperative Market was nowhere to be found. Tension grew high as Gin began to yell "I'm so hungry! I feel faint!" Fortunately, they spotted Salsalita: A Mexican Cantina on the other side of the median. Veering wildly across three lanes of traffic and made a U-turn into the parking lot. Opening the door, Gin and Swanic entered the finest Mexican establishment they had ever seen. The food was so fresh and the service so outstanding that they were able to stand at the counter and watch the chefs prepare their meal using ready made ingredients and the most sanitary of cooking appliances. Gin's request for extra salsa and sour cream was met with some confusion, but upon her declaration of "I am really going to need it. I'll pay," the chefs readily complied. Upon finishing his meal, Swanic made known his probable illness resulting from their gourmet meal and headed outside to load the bike onto the car. Gin remained at the table to finish off the corn chips and all remaining condiments.Then, full of beans and cheese, they jumped into the car and headed back out onto the open road.

DOLLYWOOD!

After their Smokey Mt hike our travelers returned to the Holiday Inn to collect their personal effects before heading to Dollywood, known to some, including Swanic, as mecca. They packed everything in the Matrix, including the bike, because no matter how nice these southerners seem Gin and Swanic's cold Northeasten hearts can't trust them. As they turned on to Dollywood Lane "I Will Always Love You" blasted from the speakers. While stopped at a traffic light a bear of a man shouted to them "Glad to hear people still listen to the original!" Gin and Swanic nodded and increased the volume. Pulling into an all but abandoned parking lot behind the colorful sign that read "Welcome to Dollywood" they worried perhaps this wasn't the popular tourist attraction they had thought. They gathered what belongings they would need for the afternoon and followed the pedestrian signs. Rounding a corner they gazed over a parking lot the size of three football fields packed with cars, their faith was anewed. They hopped onto a shuttle bound for the park. Swanic was quiet not unlike a missionary arriving in their holy land. They disembarked and walked in, flashing their prepaid tickets, generously purchased by Bike Mechanic and Guru for them before their departure, like a classy VIP, visiting foreign dignitary or perhaps Dolly herself! Immediately their cameras were flashing as they were bombarded with stimuli from all directions! Workers in fully hick costume, saloon style buildings, the smell of carnival influenced southern food and Dolly-esque decore was almost too much! But through all the glitz and excitement the simple yet emotion packed vocals of the very woman who had brought this crowd together here in the Smokey Mts could be heard. Song after song, hit after hit there wasn't a place in the park that wasn't constantly serenaded by the blonde buxom one. Gin and Swanic hit the rides, most notably "The Mystery Mine". Gin requested this ride based on the advice of a close friend and the fact that it had no upside down sections. They boarded the 8 person car and were on their way! The ride took them through a pitch black maze of mine-themed sounds and sights, suddenly stopping in front of a qhat appeared to be a dead end. A mutual chill washed over the occupants of the rollercoaster car as it moved closer to the wall tipped on to its back and began ascending straight up. Through the silence Gin was heard to say "I don't understand." At about 50 feet the car was shot out of the building freefalling through the curves and twists designed to thrill and terrify! Gin and Swanic screamed with excitement! Back into the building the ride went giving a sense of completion to its riders until they came to anothe dead end! Again the car crawled straight up much higher this time. At the top the car stopped. Gin and Swanic looked curiously at each other when suddenly fire illuminated the darkness as the once again fell straight down! They again found themselves outside only this time they were upside down! They spiralled through the air as Gin screamed something about her recently injured neck. They staggered from the ride and decided their next stop would be a little less physically taxing: the gift shop! After ensuring that future Parton generations will have enough money to live quite comfortably Gin and Swanic climbed back in the Matrix and headed for Houston!
Swanic

Y'all Have a Good Day Now!

Gin and Swanic continue to be amazed at how NICE everyone is down South. After a late evening spent exploring the quiet town of Pigeon Forge - culminating in a visit to an "Amusement Park For The Mind," where they were quickly judged and denied admission, they got up at the crack of dawn and headed out for a hike in the Smokey Mountains. Told by an attendant that "A nooormal hiker goes about one mile an hour," and after a few moments spent assuring Swanic that he is decidedly better than a normal hiker, our exercise-deprived friends jumped onto the trail and started moving. Along the way, they were passed by numerous other folks enjoying the sounds and scents of nature, and in every instance a question was posed: "How y'all doing today?" Who were these mysterious strangers who were so concerned with the health and well-being of Gin and Swanic? Did they work at the park? Were they required to ask such questions? Eventually, the duo realized that everyone was just really...friendly.
Despite the attendant's bleak assessment of the time needed to hike the trail, Gin and Swanic were up and down within the hour. Being that this excursion had taken less time than anticipated Swanic decided to take a refreshing dip in the mountain stream that flowed next to the trail. The water proved to be surprisingly cold and Swanic's relaxing swim turned into a lightning speed dip. Next up: DOLLYWOOD! Stay tuned for a full report...

A Sleepy Smokey Mt Town

Gin and Swanic have arrived in Pigeon Forge aka Las Vegas Tenessee, and may never leave!

Dining With Bob

Gin and Swanic had a long day of driving and were looking for a reasonably priced eatery to cure their hunger. Like a gift from above a sign appeared to which Gin begged the question "what's Bob Evans?" They decided to give it a try. Ever the worrier Gin questioned Swanic about putting her bike in the car to avoid it being stolen by a sticky-fingered southerner. Swanic suggested they get the food to go and eat at the Matrix. There was no way to know how fortuitous this decision would prove to be in just moments. As they walked in they could smell the grease cooking in the frier, they could hear the chomping of teeth that had eaten here many times and they could see that this was no place for them to be. Yet there they were and with night falling their options were running thin. Swanic ordered the chicken salad, while Gin asked to be directed to their vegetarian fare. "We can make and thang on the menu without meat." said the southern belle behind the counter. Swanic thought it best to leave this conversation to play out between the women folk and excused himself to the lavatory. Walking into to bathroom Swanic encountered a man of considerable size washing his hands. Swanic stepped up to the urinal to do what he had come to do but paused as he heard something odd. From the direction of the sink heavy beathing could be heard! Deep, breathy, slow man breathing. Swanic turned his head as casually as a man utilizing a public urinal can to face the man only to realize that his breaths were not passionate at all, but labored. Every breath was a struggle, suddenly Swanic regetted ordering his salad with creamy ranch dressing. After getting their food Gin and Swanic returned to the Matrix to munch. Swanic's salad was in fact three leaves of lettuce expertly hidden beneath layers of orange cheese, fritos and deep fried chicken smothered in bbq sauce. He commented that Gin's salad looked healthy to which she replied "Only because I took the bacon off!"
After their healthy snack and some post-dinner stretching they were back on the road for the final push to the promise land: Dollywood!
Swanic

West Virginia: Wild and Wonderful

At the West Virginia welcome center, Swanic took over guidance of the car while Gin took to the passenger seat to feast on bread and cheese and make unfounded assumptions about the local population. Checking "Go Go America," widely accepted as the most authoritative guide to the United States, they discovered that West Virginia is home to both a water-tasting contest AND a roadkill cook-off. With their new knowledge in hand, Gin and Swanic agreed that West Virginia truly is wild and wonderful.

April and Olivia Act Out

After their delayed departure from princess s's palace Gin and Swanic fired up their trusty guide April and headed out of Brooklyn. It didn't take long for them to realize that April was up to no good. As Gin screamed obscenities and Swanic attempted to interpret April's newly adopted Welsh accent, the vindictive machine calmly led our duo over the Manhattan bridge and into Chinatown. Gin clutched the wheel in terror as morning traffic sped around here. Deciding to ignore all the other cars and change lanes without looking, Gin made into the Holland tunnel. Initial cries of relief faded into silence as the duo realized that the roaring engine they heard did not belong to a Harley, but rather to the Matrix. Despite Swanics professional assessment of "I'm sure it's fine," Olivia's troubles had worsened. April redeemed herself by locating a Meineke in New Jersey and Gin pulled a limping Olivia in for a checkup. A burley man broke the news that Olivia needed a new flex pipe. Despite having no idea what that was, our brave survivors agreed to the price and headed to the local market for provisions while they waited. Once the repair- funded by Norm, patron of the arts and sponsor of this adventure (thanks dad!)- was complete, Gin and Swanic jumped in the car and got the hell out of Jersey as fast as they could.

When I Shut My Window I Sweat.

"When I shut my window, I sweat." - Words to live by from Gin

Tennessee Bound!

At 6:30am Swanic peeled his eyes open. Gin was stumbling through the living room of Princess Shannyana which had played the role of his boudoir for the night. Gin caught Swanics eye and said "I just, I just can't."

Royale avec fromage!

Gin and Swanic spent the night with friends old and new at the premier New York City establishment `Royale'! Gin performed a rousing rendition of the Va-Gina monologues and caught up with friends from school and abroad while Swanic came close to ejection after Shannyana insighted a game of 'quarters' with Pawn Shop and Legal Counsel. The night was young and Gin, Shannyana, Pawn Shop and Swanic were left when an familiar face showed up: Fairchild! The group plus Gin's old room mate M made their way to Drake's, New York's second best. However something appeared wrong with Pawn Shop! He seemed unsteady on his feet and was slurrrrrring his words! Gin announced that she had seen these symptoms in the past and insisted she walk him the 2 blocks home. Apparently Pawn Shop's ailment was more serious than previously thought! It must have been something he ate. Gin walked with Pawn Shop in circles for some time before giving up on getting him home and still being able to find the group and put him in a taxi.
Gin found her way back to rejoin the group at Drake's where she reclaimed her title of social butterfly after making a rage filled speech about having to mind the Pawn Shop. After a few more drinks Princess Shannyana, Gin and Swanic hopped in a taxi bound for Brooklyn. Thinking the night was over they dipped into a bag of potatoe chips as they were famished due to socializing and general life of the party related duties. However the taxi driver had other plans. He wanted our crew to see the face of god by the time the reached their destination! He maintained a 60mph speed through the streets of the lower east side. He weaved in and out of traffic like serpent in the grass. At one point swerving into oncoming traffic trying to make a yellow light! Naturally he drove clear past Princess Shannyana's palace. Our crew found their beds and quickly nodded off before tomorrow's long drive.

Under Much Pressure

Amidst screams of "I HAVE TO GET DRESSED! WE NEED TO GO!" (guess who said that??!?!), Gin struggled to create her first witty post of the trip. Unfortunately, in an moment not at all aligned with her normal character, Gin crumpled under the pressure. The Gods had spoken, and Gin's first post would prove to be this disappointing narrative, ending now.

Gin

Princess Shannyana!

Through fierce rain and traffic Gin landed is safe and sound at Princess Shannyana's humble abode in Brooklyn! Let the games begin!

New Haven, Same Old Traffic

Gin and Swanic have slowed to a crawl at the junction of 91 and 95. On the upside they saw thespian extraordinares Lawrence Fishburn and Michael Chiklis out for a motorbike ride!

Disaster strikes in Deerfield!

Only 2 hours into the journey Gin & Swanic experience their first set back! Our heroes started to hear noises paramount to that of a Harley Davidson emitting from the under belly of the Matrix! Stopping at Deerfield MA for Gin's 3rd pee break of the trip they investigated the problem. Swanic's extensive background in automotive repair and general know how yielded this result: 'I think its okay.' Gin opted to call for outside advice, but until their next stop when she can dislodge her phone from deep within the abyss under her seat they will be riding on a prayer!
Swanic

Breakfast in Barre

Gin and Swanic were welcomed by Lauren, Norm, Nancy, Graig and Katie for their farewell beakfast of corn fritters bacon and fruit! The ambience was as delectable as the dining! The time spent with close family and friends grounded Gin and Swanic and the break from the rigors of constant travel helped them immensely. After breakfast and tearful goodbyes the team headed out of town on the open road...West, West to feedom, West to the future, West to their destiny!
Swanic

Black Cats and Suicidal Squirrels

Waking at 6 am, Gin launched into action packing the Matrix and rousing the troops who would help her on the first leg oh the trip: Burlington to Barre. Swanic started his day with a cardio workout consisting of a run to oakledge and a nudy jump in the lake. But not all was well in the cool morning air. Swanic's path was crossed by every black cat in the greater Burlington area while squirrels attempted to end their lives under the tires of Gin's car! The trip was off to a questionable start.
American Boy, Dead or Alive and Superfreak were just a few of the choice hits that flowed from the speakers as our dynamic duo cruised to Barre for breakfast with friends and family.
Swanic